5 Florida Divorce Myths Debunked

Posted on February 17, 2012 by Pamela S. Wynn

Florida divorce myths – those stories you hear from your friends who have gone before you, or those well-meaning friends who have no idea that what they are telling you is untrue – can hurt you. Here are five Florida divorce myths – and the truth.

Florida Divorce Myths: #1 Stay in The House

If you move out of the house, nothing really changes. You really do not lose anything by leaving the house. The house will still be a marital asset and the mortgage will still be a marital liability if it was purchased during the marriage.  That means when the court is dividing your marital property, you will still be in the same position as you are if you move out.

Florida Divorce Myths: #2: Divorce is War

You and your spouse do not have to be “at war” You actually do not have to go to war with your spouse to get divorced. While our culture has created many jokes and movies about going to war with your spouse in a divorce, most people do not really feel this way. Resist the urge to bad-mouth and join in on the war rally cry. You’ll feel better when the divorce is done if you avoid this cultural cliche. Your kids will also feel better if you avoid the war mindset.

Florida Divorce Myths: #3 The Kids are Alright

The kids will get through the divorce, but may need some help. But getting through divorce is tough on children. And they will not necessarily automatically be fine during and after the divorce process. While you are going through the divorce process you may not notice all the changes your children are going through.  Be especially attentive to changes in children and their behavior and get professional help for them as soon as you see something may be different. And remember, the level conflict is the biggest predictor of how well your children will do, so avoid Myth #2.

Florida Divorce Myths: #4 You Don’t Need a Lawyer

Get the self-help packet and you will have everything you need to get divorced. While technically true, the problem with this myth is that you don’t know what you don’t know. If your situation is not “standard” the standard forms may not suit your case. I can safely say that in more than 25 years of representing people going through Florida divorces, I have never seen two divorces that are exactly the same.

Even if your situation is not complicated, it is always a good idea to have legal documents reviewed before you sign them. Divorce changes your legal rights. Be sure you understand exactly how your rights will change by having your documents reviewed by an attorney before you sign them.

Florida Divorce Myths: #5 Co-Parenting is Impossible

There’s a way to share co-parenting after a divorce. Again, this is a myth that damages your children. You don’t have to have any special qualities to co-parent your child after divorce. You just have to be willing to make decisions based on what is best for your children. Sharing the parenting duties is better for your kids and for you. The Divorce Parent Telesummit provides you practical tips on how to have a child-centered divorce and co-parent without conflict.

Contact me if you need assistance getting past these Florida divorce myths. If you have documents to review, I can assist you anywhere in Florida. My past and upcoming Divorced Parent Telesummit guests can also help so you don’t get caught up in Florida divorce myths.

 

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Child Support in Florida: Can You Demand an Accounting?

Posted on January 31, 2012 by Pamela S. Wynn

Paying child support in Florida has become increasingly difficult as the economic downturn continues. Florida is among the hardest-hit states in the economic crisis. Continuing unemployment and huge foreclosure rates in Florida mean many families are strapped for cash to pay for the basics like food and rent.

As bottom lines become tighter, parents who receive child support have become more and more dependent on those payments to make ends meet each month. On the other hand, the parents who pay child support are finding it increasingly difficult to afford the payments. Sometimes this even turns into resentment about the way the money is being spent and demands for an accounting of how child support payments are spent.

What Is Florida Child Support Supposed to Cover?

Basic child support is meant to cover living expenses, including food, shelter, and clothing for the child. So the costs of rent, mortgage, utility bills and other seemingly general household expenses can be justified as helping to provide for the basic care of the child.

The amount of basic Florida child support is calculated with a complex formula that uses both parent’s net monthly incomes and the number of overnights that each parent has with the children. Also factored in are health insurance and child-care costs.

Can You Get a Child Support Accounting?

Paying parents often ask how much say they get in how the child support payments are spent. Florida, like the majority of states does not require the parent receiving child support to give an accounting of how the money is spent. That means almost anything needed for the children’s care and well-being can be paid from child support payments in Florida. And sorry but you do not get a say in how child support payments are used in Florida.

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Healing from Divorce: There Are No Shortcuts

Posted on January 10, 2012 by Pamela S. Wynn

Today’s post about healing from divorce is from Lee Block.  We talked recently and I thought you would enjoy her outlook on healing from divorce. ~PW

I connected with Pamela and we hit it off instantly. She is an expert on the nuts and bolts of the divorce process and I am an expert on the touchy feely parts of what happens after the divorce is final. I thought about how to approach this article for you, her readers. Did you want to read about how to heal or how to move forward? Should I make it all touchy feely and ooey gooey, and are those really words?

Divorce and the Healing Process

Divorce and the healing process is sort of like a barium enema. It hurts. It’s uncomfortable. It’s painful. You want it over as quickly as possible. It feels like it will never end. There are moments of relief when you are expelling all that liquid, followed my searing stomach pain until you finally feel as if your intestines have been twisted into knots and stomped on and you are so worn out from the whole experience you just want to lay down and die.

That’s the bad news.  The good news is that when you wake up from the stupor of finally getting out all the toxins that have been stored up in your intestines you feel so much better, lighter, invigorated, healthier, renewed and ready to tackle the world, and this is how you feel when you get to the other side of the nasty of divorce.

There Are No Shortcuts

Just like preparing for any medical test that requires a tube in the arse and a huge amount of discomfort to be able to actually take the test and not have to start over, there are no shortcuts when healing from divorce either.  Imagine going through the above process just to be sent home from the colonoscopy for a “do-over” because your colon wasn’t clean enough? That would really suck.

Jumping from marriage to divorce to another relationship without taking the time to heal is the same thing.  It really sucks. If you don’t take the time you need to figure out why you made the choices you made, forgiving yourself for those choices, getting to know who you are now that you are single again, learning how to navigate life as a single parent if you have children and most importantly, learning how to love yourself again, you will end up in the same relationship you were in when you were married.

There Are No Time Tables

When you are talking about healing, there are no timetables.  Each person heals at his or her own rate of recovery.  Don’t you hate those women who give birth one day and then go and run a marathon the next day? I know that I do! Healing from divorce is the same way.  For some people it takes a day and others it may take five years to feel like they are ready to come out of their cocoon of self-pity and why me.

You aren’t in a race to the finish line, and if you don’t complete all the steps that you need to get from point A to point B (remember no shortcuts) you will make the same choices again and again until you do take the time to learn who you are and what you want, no matter how long it takes.

The Secret to Divorce Recovery

But, here is the secret sauce on the big mac of divorce recovery; everyone still has to heal from divorce.  Whether you were left or did the leaving, whether you filed or were blindsided and whether you wanted it or not.  And there is only one way to start the recovery, one day at a time and one step at a time.

To get you started on the road to recovery, do this one very simple thing, go and look in the mirror and say to yourself, “I was single, married and now I am single.  Being divorced just means I am no longer married.”  Because the reality is that you have come full circle a wiser and better person that where you were.

____________________

Lee Block is a certified professional divorce coach, blogger, a well-known author and a nationally known expert from her appearances on television and radio talk shows. Ms. Block works with individuals, attorneys, mediators and families to help navigate the process of life after divorce.

To find out more about how Lee Block’s straightforward, no-nonsense approach, guidance and business sense can help take the emotion out of the process of rebuilding your life and get you on the fast track to finding happiness again, please visit her at www.leeblock.com or www.postdivorcechronicles.com, you can also follow her on twitter at @leeblock.

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Four Types of Divorce

Posted on January 5, 2012 by Pamela S. Wynn

Did you know that there are actually four types of divorce? Each divorce really is four separate divorces and they do not occur at the same time.

The physical divorce is often the first of the types of divorce to occur. This is the actual physical moving out or separation of the spouses. The physical divorce usually requires adjustments to daily schedules and routines.

The second of the types of divorce is the legal divorce.  That’s what I mostly write about here and on my DIY Divorce blog. And this is what most people think of when they hear the word “divorce.” The legal divorce changes your legal rights and responsibilities.

Emotional divorce is the third type of divorce. In the emotional divorce, the spouses put emotional distance between each other and stop thinking of themselves as a couple.

Finally, there is the social divorce. Your social networks and friendships almost always change, at least to come degree, with a divorce. Married friends stop hanging around you or may be more aligned with one spouse.

With all these types of divorce come big changes. I think that’s why sometimes divorce seems so overwhelming. It really does affect most everything in your life. Plus, both spouses are likely to be at different levels of acceptance with respect to all the changes that each of the types of divorce brings.

That’s where divorce recovery comes in. To some extent, everyone going through a divorce needs time to heal and recover. If you have experiencing difficulty, seek out a divorce coach or therapist to help you process the changes brought on by the four types of divorce.

 

 

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Communication Skills – Get Back on Track

Posted on December 28, 2011 by Pamela S. Wynn

Communication skills are really, especially important during divorce negotiation process and in co-parenting. In the months (and sometimes years) prior to divorce most people’s communication skills go off-track. For divorcing parents, it is especially important to get communication sills back on track.

Here are ten tips to get your communication skills on track:

1. Don’t be afraid to initiate the conversation.
2. Ask questions.
3. Make eye contact with the other person.
4. Be fully present.
5. Use open body language.
6. Let the other person talk first.
7. Listen for the unstated message.
8. Do not show signs that you are ready to respond.
9. Pause before you respond.
10. Don’t change the subject.

Where Do You Use Communication Skills?

While these communication skills may seem simple and obvious, and many people are able to use them in their business lives or with non-family members, we go off-track and forget to use them with family (including our co-parents). We get stirred-up emotionally and these simple skills go right out the window when dealing with the ex (or soon to be ex) spouse.

In a divorce, you unwind your emotional/romantic involvement but you still need to co-parent and make joint decisions about your children. That’s why I encourage you to think in terms of switching to a business mindset for co-parenting.  In the DIY Divorce in Florida course which I authored, I talk about moving into a business relationship with your ex. The two of you are in the business of raising children. Resolve to take the emotional baggage out of your new business relationship so that your communication skills can thrive.

After all, to have a successful business requires clear communication. If your communication skills are lacking or if your emotions block your ability to use the good skills you have, work to improve so that you can have a successful child-raising co-parent business with your ex spouse.

Think about where your gaps are and how you can get back on track. After all, we are in  the time of year when businesses take stock of how they did during the year and make plans for improvement. Is it time to assess and improve your communication skills?

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